How I fell into clinical depression
Three years ago in 2014, I experienced clinical depression for the first time in my life. From that point in 2014 to today in 2017, I have experienced three bouts of clinical depression that lasted 5–6 months each. It’s been confusing why this is happening, because I have always been a happy, optimistic guy. After analyzing all my experiences surrounding my bouts of clinical depression, I want to share my analysis and conclusion on what the hell is going on.
In November of 2014, I experienced my first bout. After a couple months of not knowing why I am feeling mentally off and terrible, a psychiatrist diagnosed that I was experiencing clinical depression. Before this bout (1) I was sleeping just 3–4 hours a night (with no alarm — naturally woke up cause I was excited to start the day) and (2) I was always naturally amped, my brain was always racing, and I worked on a lot (felt like Bradley Cooper in Limitless to a certain extent), and (3) our company was having some financial challenges.
I’m not sure if sleep was the sole cause because I later slept for 6+ hours and still fell into a bout. It could be that I wasn’t giving my brain a break, but it’s been hard to differentiate high functioning from overworking. It doesn’t seem to be related to money because the company I started was acquired and the clinical depression continued.
The next part of this journey brings us to January of 2016. I was just wrapping up an amazing holiday season with family and friends in my hometown of Chicago. I vividly recall waking up on the 2nd of January after my friend’s engagement party and being like, “ohh shit, I don’t feel right.” It reminded of that day in November 2014 when I fell into clinical depression. The feeling I felt that morning was the start of another 6 really tough months of clinical depression. It was miserable and very scary cause of what was going on in my head.
Right as I was feeling a little better in June of 2016, I got hit by a god damn car! I had a strained MCL and LCL on both of my knees, an injured hip, a broken shoulder/scapula, a concussion, and brain damage (subdural hematoma). I was hospitalized for 15 days and in rehab for six weeks. It was right around that time I was definitively out of depression! I was really happy about that.
I have a specific memory of sitting in a hospital bed where I periodically was getting severe headaches due to the brain injury and I had a wheelchair nearby because I wasn’t supposed to walk. I remember thinking, “damn, it feels great to be out of depression.” When people encourage me to stay happy and optimistic when challenges come, I try to share that I am happy and optimistic while holding back my frustration, because I am assuming they think pessimism is causing my depression. I think the way things transpired around the accident should shed some light how random depression can be.
After the accident, I made a decision to put a lot of focus on my health and fitness while putting less hours focused on work. I ate pretty well outside of my occasional dinners where I used UberEATS or went out to eat. I started mediating, doing yoga in the morning, and getting good sleep, I 100% stopped marijuana and alcohol, I typically played sports 2+ hours a day like I was a kid, and met up friends/family multiple days a week. I thought I was doing everything right until this year in January 2017 where it happened again. Happy, excited, motivated, passionate me woke up one day feeling the onset of another bout of depression.
Now, after all this, what is my conclusion on the cause? I don’t fffking know. God? :) My assumption is that it is similar to cancer and it can hit anyone. I also believe you can be more vulnerable if you do a poor job of controlling your emotions in light of a lost job or a loss of a loved one, being pessimistic, often getting angry, pessimistic, or stressed, getting poor sleep or eating poorly, or otherwise. At the same time, some people could be more vulnerable due to bad luck or genetics.
Knowing what I know now, I will be doing as much as I can to reduce my chances of facing what I did. I’ll eat as well as I can, continue to see a variety of doctors including holistic practitioners, Ayuvedic doctors, eastern medicine doctors, and psychiatrists. I’ll be meditating, spending time in nature and with family/friends, getting daylight, staying active, and staying open to any/all suggestions from people like you!
As usual, I would love to hear your thoughts? Did this provide a new perspective? Any thoughts?! Please share — comment below or reach me over Instagram, cell — 630–551–8482, or email shahshaan@gmail.com.
